Lots of shit going down... I know this is after the fact so you don't know what's going on... but whatever...

My "Big Brother" P was just online. Didn't IM me once. Hasn't IM'd me all week. Doesn't come up to the Radio dept to visit me. Hasn't direct-connected me on the phone since last week. Tonight is Enterprise/West Wing night (tho i've discovered WW isn't on this week), and I usually go over there to watch... but didn't call me to ask if I was coming over. Matrix: Reloaded came out on DVD yesterday and I'm sure if they didn't buy it they at least rented it; but no call. I'm trying to hold out, see how long before they decide to call... but then again the Silent Treatment is rather ineffectual when you already don't exist. When you aren't missed. When your company isn't desired.

They made such a big fucking deal about me being family, and first they gang up on me and now they've just abandoned me all together. The party was understandable, the day after kinda hurt, and now they're just ignoring me all together. I dropped off the key to their house... because I was pissed at them not calling me for a week or two and then finally when they did call it was to ask me to go over to their house and check to see if L had left the iron on (which she had). They never call to check on me, they never drop and email just to say hi or send me a joke. So i returned the key and included a check to pay her back for a favor she did for me in Feb. Of course, no one was home when I dropped everything off, which was a shame because i'd worked myself up into quite the colorful rant. So I get home, half hour later the phone rings... and I let it ring... and L leaves a message simply saying that she was confused and thought I'd already paid her back. I didn't call her back, I haven't called or emailed them since last week... and gee, no one's calling or emailing to check on me and make sure i'm ok.

They've been so busy worrying about protecting J, trying to avoid uncomfortable situations for M... nevermind that they're tossing me out in the cold in the process. I wish Icould just let it go, God I wish I could. Because I don't deserve this, I shouldn't have to subject myself to this kind of torment, I shouldn't allow myself to be judged by people who aren't any better than I am... just because they may be financially in a more comfortable situation. Their emotional and social dynamics are so completely fucked up, sometimes I wonder why I'm the only one seeing a therapist.

All I know is that right now my heart is breaking, and its probably breaking for people who don't deserve it, but its still breaking. They've proven that they're really no better than my real family. They cut my legs out from under me behind the guise of caring... and then abandon me altogether. Miscommunication or a lack of communication is the root of about 90% of the problems within their little clutch, and maybe there is more going on that I don't know about or something, but I don't want to be the one to try. Maybe its pride, maybe emotionally I need for them to make some kind of effort, something to prove to me that they haven't abandoned me. Maybe I know for every point I bring up they'll explain it away or rationalize it or make some kind of excuse... and as usual dismiss and play down my feelings and my concerns and my issues. I don't need that in my life. So why does it hurt so much?

DLand Notes, for the DLand In-Crowd

Recap

update - 2004-02-27
Worried... still - 2004-01-24
worried, slightly - 2004-01-23
pathetic entry #221212 - 2004-01-09
Checking In And Stuff - 2003-11-30

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